Be the father you needed when you were a child
I wanted to explain, a simple way, what should be the role of the parents during the first 5 years of a child’s life. I disagree with how here in Lima, most of the parents behave and sees to be the conventional way. This is what I want to challenge using my personal point of view.
A couple of years ago, I began to feel a pattern in the relationships I had with the people who worked for me. When I compared myself against my peers, I found some curious differences in the leadership styles. One very notable: I always tended to prioritize the people who worked for me, they must learn as much as they can, grow as much as possible and develops in a better personal and professional version of themselves. That was non-negotiable. Business goals had to be accomplished and that was the main focus, but conditioned that people develop and grow as they spend time working. I also liked to give council, to couch people and I was worried about developing real, sincere and close relationships. The majority of people who ever worked for me, remembers me with gratitude, happiness, and even nostalgia. So do I.
Why was I behaving in such a specific way? I didn’t know at that time, It was unconscious for me to be that way. Until one day, I. talked to a psychologist about my past, my experiences as a child, a teenager, and an early adult. During the conversation, one of the topics that came through was the relationship with my father.
During the conversation, we came to the conclusion that dad loved very much, but he didn’t spend significant time with me (and my brother) during my early childhood. I couldn’t remember him playing with me, nor helping with my homework or school assignments. But I did remember my mother spending time with me, helping me out with homework, teaching me how to read, how to paint. The more I tried, no memories came remembering my father getting home at the end of the day, and played with us. He was there, but I felt him absent, doing his stuff. Don’t get me wrong. He was (still is) a great father, but I discovered (and realized) he didn’t spend time with me playing when I was a baby and child. And that lack of time from my father, that “absence” impacts me, in a way that makes me, try to be like a father for the people who I was responsible for.
After that revelation (it was 2014), I got curious about child education, the role of the father and mother at an early ages, and what is the relationship between quality time and the development of the children. What does it mean to be a good parent?
What I found out about the issue confirmed my thoughts. Everybody knows that childhood is a critical stage of human development. But I think most people don’t know quite important this is. In the first 5 years of children’s life occurred changes that are nurtured from the parent’s interactions with them. These changes would influence areas as brain development, language and communication, social-emotional development, peer relationships, and academic achievement. No wonder UNESCO has developed a Parenting Guide/Handbook with a focus on emerging areas. The Quality of Parenting a child receives is the more important modifiable factor that influences the course of his development(1)
What I learned about the topic collided with the culture of most of the parents in Lima (where I live). If I have to use a phrase to describe it would be something like: “we as family, could live without a car, but we couldn’t without a Nanny” or “Our nanny is more important that the grandparents” (me over-exaggerating….hopefully, you get the point). Nanny is this society that is essential elements for the “parenting” of Lima´s Children. Usually, both father and mother have to work and if the child is not at school yet, he spends all day with a Nanny. Totally understandable here, the problem is that most of the parents seem to think that the Nanny has to be with them all the time, even the weekend. For instance, if they decide to go all the family to a restaurant, they bring the nanny with them. If they go to a birthday party, the nanny is at the party, most of the time taking care of the child. The family is all together, but mom or dad doesn’t spend enough time with their children. You don’t see most of the people playing with their children, of changing diapers or even sometimes feeding them. That role is done by the nannies.
I am completely sure most parents think I am exaggerating here. That those chores the Nanny does are minor things, and they are spending quality time with them doing other things. My point here is that even those “small chores and minor things”, with your children are essential for creating a lasting bond, a deep connection that is the base of the good parenting. Most important, the way to connect with them is through play. Most of the parents got home at the end of the day, tired, exhausted and have no energy nor attitude to doing playful activities with their child. So, who is responsible to supply the children’s playing needs? You guessed it: the Nanny!
I don’t want to get deeper into the origins of this social norm, and definitely, this could be topic for another post. The important here is that as a social norm, this became part of the culture because everybody is doing it since the time of the Colonial Lima. So in order to change this, we need to start a movement of people doing things in a different direction. I hope this helps with that.
So, what am I trying to do to be a better parent? 3 nights per week I am getting home early. I turn off my cell phone, and I dedicated myself entirely to my daughter. Before I bathe her and put her to sleep, we play, we sing, we dance, we read stories, we paint. It is kind of a mini-date. At the end of the day, it’s not the time when you have the most energy, and you felt so tired, but seeing her smiles, laughs, and looks at her happiness pays the effort. The other 3 days my wife does the same.
Also, we try to spend the majority of time together as a family: all three. We try to play together, eat together, go to the park together. The weekend is for us only, with no help. It is difficult, exhausting but we believe it’s the right thing to do. We have a nanny because we both work, but at the end of the day, Antonia only is with us.
I am not going to lie. I miss having more time for myself. Now that I embarked on this adventure of becoming a better writer, I feel pressure for getting everything done and keep accomplishing more and have less time available. But I guess when you have more restrictions and things against you, creativity arises. So I’ll find the way to keep feeling happy, keep being a great parent and a great husband.
